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Sleep is the hardest thing. And struggles with sleep make everything else harder.
Friday night, I couldn't lie down till 3.30am, then I don't think I slept for at least another hour. Then I woke at 7, and didn't end up going back to sleep. Saturday night, I was exhausted. I had a nap for a few hours in the evening, then after dinner I was so tired I kept drifting off while I was doing things.
And then I didn't sleep.
I got ready for bed and I got into bed, and I couldn't make myself lie down at first. When I did lie down, I couldn't stop my brain, and eventually I'd get upset enough that I had to sit up again and blow my nose a lot, then distract myself to calm down. And then I'd try again, and it would happen again.
Eventually, around 8.30, I think, I gave up. I ate breakfast, I stopped trying to sleep. I stayed up till 12.30-ish, then tried again to sleep. Didn't manage to fall asleep till after 1pm, and then I was awake again around 4, with Mum talking to me, before sleeping for a bit more.
Now, it's after 11pm. I'm on the computer doing my handful of weekly tasks in FFXIV (playing it is emotionally difficult, but I don't want to get to a point where I can't play it because of my emotional reaction...plus there's stuff you can only do once a week and things that expire if I don't log on), and once I'm done, I'll go brush my teeth and get ready for bed.
Annoyingly, I don't feel sleepy. I feel tired and drained and unhappy, but not sleepy. I don't know if that will change when I lie down or not.
Mum just came to talk to me to ask how I am. I explained that I think lack of sleep is making me feel emotionally worse, which then makes sleep harder. She asked if I thought I should see someone, and asked how I'd gone looking into the EAP at work.
A few people had suggested I look into the EAP, so I'd gone to the website. It's a bit vague on process and details (which I like having), so I'd tried to log in and check out the booking process. Only to find (after some emailing and questions) that we don't have access to the online self-service booking. So I'd either have to call (which would be hard at the best of times, and is downright impossible now), or start another email conversation, which is probably going to be messy and will probably involve them offering to call me, which just, ugh.
She also brought up the idea of seeing a GP, initially framing it around seeing a counselor, and then bringing up my weight.
Mum's been worried about my weight and my health for years. We've had a lot of arguments about it, and she has never once, ever, taken on board anything I've said. She always comes back to her default position of my weight meaning that I'm unhealthy and at higher risk and anything I might say that suggests I'm actually not unhealthy is just me making excuses for myself.
Blood tests and negative diabetes tests and general health assessments are apparently less reliable than what size clothing I wear.
But now...she's connecting her concerns to Raq. She's scared I'll be next.
It's always been so hard to deal with the times she gets like this, but when she's using the death of my partner to try to push me, it really, really fucking hurts.
I don't think she realises that part of what she's saying, without saying the words, is that I need to do these things because not doing these things is part of why Raq died.
What's she means is, "I can't cope with another death and I can't lose you", but I can't help hearing the other part as well.
I know she struggles to understand that there's only so much that I can do about my health. I'm a picky eater of sorts (although not as much as I was) and if I go to the doctor or a nutritionist, they'll give me a diet plan I can't actually eat. I can lose weight by eating less, but that's not going to mean I'm eating a balanced diet, it's just going to mean I eat the same things but less.
And the weight isn't the important bit. There are skinny people who have terrible health because their diet is shocking.
And while I've been able to maintain exercise plans in the past, the middle of summer, immediately after the sudden and unexpected loss of my partner, is not a good time to try to start one. When it cools off, maybe.
I can't exactly tell her that my health is very low down on my list of priorities right now, either. I've been clear that I'm not going to hurt myself, but I'm also not really invested in extending my life right now. But I can't tell her that, not when she's so scared that something will happen to me. She still hovers nearby sometimes when I'm sleeping, listening to make sure I'm breathing.
She also thinks I need to get up and do more, physically, to help myself sleep. But when I'm so tired I keep nodding off while I'm physically doing something, I don't think that's the issue. The issue is that, once it comes to intentionally preparing to sleep, the fear rises up, and sleep gets so much further away. Because as soon as I lie down in the dark, trying to sleep, I'm starting a fight with my own brain, and every bit of it is going to hurt. And I'm so, so tired of this hurting.
It might be partly because I'm too tired to cope, or it might be the effect of time, but I feel like the pain is getting worse. More of the reality and permanence of it is sinking in. It was too big to take on all at once, but as time passes, more and more of it is getting through, and it gets harder to feel anything but pain and loss. It's filling up all the spaces that were empty before.
I need to work out how to get more sleep either way. If nothing else, sleep is time without thinking. I haven't even been dreaming much, thankfully.
Friday night, I couldn't lie down till 3.30am, then I don't think I slept for at least another hour. Then I woke at 7, and didn't end up going back to sleep. Saturday night, I was exhausted. I had a nap for a few hours in the evening, then after dinner I was so tired I kept drifting off while I was doing things.
And then I didn't sleep.
I got ready for bed and I got into bed, and I couldn't make myself lie down at first. When I did lie down, I couldn't stop my brain, and eventually I'd get upset enough that I had to sit up again and blow my nose a lot, then distract myself to calm down. And then I'd try again, and it would happen again.
Eventually, around 8.30, I think, I gave up. I ate breakfast, I stopped trying to sleep. I stayed up till 12.30-ish, then tried again to sleep. Didn't manage to fall asleep till after 1pm, and then I was awake again around 4, with Mum talking to me, before sleeping for a bit more.
Now, it's after 11pm. I'm on the computer doing my handful of weekly tasks in FFXIV (playing it is emotionally difficult, but I don't want to get to a point where I can't play it because of my emotional reaction...plus there's stuff you can only do once a week and things that expire if I don't log on), and once I'm done, I'll go brush my teeth and get ready for bed.
Annoyingly, I don't feel sleepy. I feel tired and drained and unhappy, but not sleepy. I don't know if that will change when I lie down or not.
Mum just came to talk to me to ask how I am. I explained that I think lack of sleep is making me feel emotionally worse, which then makes sleep harder. She asked if I thought I should see someone, and asked how I'd gone looking into the EAP at work.
A few people had suggested I look into the EAP, so I'd gone to the website. It's a bit vague on process and details (which I like having), so I'd tried to log in and check out the booking process. Only to find (after some emailing and questions) that we don't have access to the online self-service booking. So I'd either have to call (which would be hard at the best of times, and is downright impossible now), or start another email conversation, which is probably going to be messy and will probably involve them offering to call me, which just, ugh.
She also brought up the idea of seeing a GP, initially framing it around seeing a counselor, and then bringing up my weight.
Mum's been worried about my weight and my health for years. We've had a lot of arguments about it, and she has never once, ever, taken on board anything I've said. She always comes back to her default position of my weight meaning that I'm unhealthy and at higher risk and anything I might say that suggests I'm actually not unhealthy is just me making excuses for myself.
Blood tests and negative diabetes tests and general health assessments are apparently less reliable than what size clothing I wear.
But now...she's connecting her concerns to Raq. She's scared I'll be next.
It's always been so hard to deal with the times she gets like this, but when she's using the death of my partner to try to push me, it really, really fucking hurts.
I don't think she realises that part of what she's saying, without saying the words, is that I need to do these things because not doing these things is part of why Raq died.
What's she means is, "I can't cope with another death and I can't lose you", but I can't help hearing the other part as well.
I know she struggles to understand that there's only so much that I can do about my health. I'm a picky eater of sorts (although not as much as I was) and if I go to the doctor or a nutritionist, they'll give me a diet plan I can't actually eat. I can lose weight by eating less, but that's not going to mean I'm eating a balanced diet, it's just going to mean I eat the same things but less.
And the weight isn't the important bit. There are skinny people who have terrible health because their diet is shocking.
And while I've been able to maintain exercise plans in the past, the middle of summer, immediately after the sudden and unexpected loss of my partner, is not a good time to try to start one. When it cools off, maybe.
I can't exactly tell her that my health is very low down on my list of priorities right now, either. I've been clear that I'm not going to hurt myself, but I'm also not really invested in extending my life right now. But I can't tell her that, not when she's so scared that something will happen to me. She still hovers nearby sometimes when I'm sleeping, listening to make sure I'm breathing.
She also thinks I need to get up and do more, physically, to help myself sleep. But when I'm so tired I keep nodding off while I'm physically doing something, I don't think that's the issue. The issue is that, once it comes to intentionally preparing to sleep, the fear rises up, and sleep gets so much further away. Because as soon as I lie down in the dark, trying to sleep, I'm starting a fight with my own brain, and every bit of it is going to hurt. And I'm so, so tired of this hurting.
It might be partly because I'm too tired to cope, or it might be the effect of time, but I feel like the pain is getting worse. More of the reality and permanence of it is sinking in. It was too big to take on all at once, but as time passes, more and more of it is getting through, and it gets harder to feel anything but pain and loss. It's filling up all the spaces that were empty before.
I need to work out how to get more sleep either way. If nothing else, sleep is time without thinking. I haven't even been dreaming much, thankfully.
